Learning About Myself

Alright, I have a lot to say so bear with me tonight. This is something I’ve wanted to write about for a while now, but never really knew how to say it. Want to know what changed my mind? Watching Dance Moms. I kid you not. I was watching the new episode last night when Abby said, “I can’t handle it. I’m a control freak.” I thought in my head, “Hmm, you and me both Abby Lee Miller.” Obviously in different ways, but control is one of the scariest things to lose (in my opinion at least). When you’re so used to things a certain way for an extended period of time and then everything changes when you blink, things become a little bit tough. I’ll give you a little bit of background information so you know where I’m coming from.

  • Getting all “A’s” throughout school. Control.
  • Competing in dance until the end of high school. Control.
  • Working since the age of 15. Control.
  • Participating in every possible activity I could at college. Control.
  • Developing intense workout schedules for myself and freaking out if I can’t stick to them. Control.
  • Getting into counting calories. Control.
  • Making intense to-do lists of every little thing every single day of my life. Control.
  • Having a really tough time spending money. Control.

These are all things I’ve experienced in the past. Now that I’m graduated completely from school and trying to figure out my life, I’ve lost control on a lot of these issues. I don’t have classes to get “A’s” in. I’m too old for dance. I still work, but that’s expected of someone my age now. I can’t seem to follow my workout schedules because of health issues and extra work coming up. I’m so stressed that my food choices suck. I’m learning that I have to spend a ridiculous amount of money on things now. I still make the to-do lists, but it’s a headache to follow them. And that’s just a couple of things that I’ve lost control over! I’m starting to realize that a lot of my issues I’m having currently with unhappiness, stress, etc. have to do with my lack of control. I’ve been focusing so much on developing a health and fitness career for myself that I’ve forgotten to take care of myself. I can tell you what to do to lose weight, tone up, or just be healthier, but I can’t seem to follow my own advice since I “don’t have time.” That’s bullshit! I’m making excuses for myself, and I’m just starting to realize that.

Why do I continuously do the things that I know will hurt myself, both in the short and long term? It makes no sense to me, and maybe it never will, but all I do know is that I need to do something to change it or I’m going to continue down this terrible path for the rest of my life. As I’ve said on here before, I absolutely suck at making commitments and goals. So I’m going to list some lifestyle changes that I think I would really benefit from.

  • Learning to breathe. I tend to make decisions on a whim that I later regret. This can be something as small as eating a cookie or as large as committing to an event I realize I’m just not into after saying yes. If I could just literally close my eyes for 3 seconds and take a deep breath and think about if I really want what I’m about to do, I would be able to avoid a lot of bad choices.
  • Scheduling my workouts like appointments. I am the queen of excuses. I’ve fallen into this pattern of always making an excuse for myself about why I shouldn’t exercise. Lately it’s been that I think I have something more important to do on the computer, whether it’s blog related or work related. Like, really? Those things can wait. I need to take care of myself.

  • Remembering that I don’t have to do everything on my own. I have had these previous misconceptions that everything has to be done my way and exactly how it “should be.” I’ve recently been trying to let Luke do things for me (us), but it’s been really tough. I know he’s fully capable, but I’m just not used to it yet. Sorry babe.
  • Saying no. Chalene Johnson says a good response is, “Thank you so much for thinking of me. I’ll check my schedule and get back with you.” I fully agree with that statement. Perfect. Now if only I could remember it when the opportunity arises.

Above all, I think it’s most important for me to remember that I do not have to control everything. It’s okay for me to let some things go, but I really do need to get some control back over certain areas of my life. It’s not okay to let myself eat junk food all the time just because it’s “easy.” It’s not okay to spend all my time on the computer doing work that doesn’t really need to be done. I need to learn how to spend my time wisely and how to do things that are beneficial and are helping me towards a healthier, happier lifestyle.

I’m not one of those bloggers that has a life-changing statement that will totally turn your perspective on your own attitude. Sorry. All I can do is share what you what I’ve currently been struggling with and hope that it’s something you can relate to if you’re dealing with something similar. A lot of my friends and family think I have it all put together. No, you are wrong. I do not. I am a mess. We all are in one way or another! We just have to remember that we all have our own battles and if the world just learns to be a little bit nicer place, we can help each other through them and live happily ever after <3